


I Wasn't Looking For A Light (But The Lightning Helped)

by AnotherPhanficWriter



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Chaptered, Demons, Friends to Lovers, Hell, Implied/Referenced Character Death, M/M, Not Really Character Death, Quarantine Rambling, based on tumblr prompt
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-11
Updated: 2020-04-27
Packaged: 2021-03-01 19:01:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,499
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23601997
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AnotherPhanficWriter/pseuds/AnotherPhanficWriter
Summary: Dan sells his soul to Satan to be his friend. And Satan just rolls with it until he realises at the time of his death he genuinely likes him. Since he can't go back on the contract he takes Dan to hell and puts him in a high position of power. Demons hardened by millenia of torture now have to answer to a shy, self-conscious, quiet, depressed, lonely emo who has unintentionally become Satan's #1.
Relationships: Dan Howell/Phil Lester
Comments: 4
Kudos: 22





	1. Chapter one

**Author's Note:**

> Someone sent me this summary on tumblr about four months ago anonymously, I got freaked out because it was just a summary similar to the one above followed by 'snowbaz?/phan? YeS' (and i think it was a tumblr post?). After a disappointing Simon Snow sequel, I went with phan. I am forever destined to write this ship, I can't escape and if ever I don't post a phanfiction, just know I'm obsessing over the latest piece of God awful writing that I somehow stuttered out in the early hours of a Saturday and Sunday, usually 5am. I wrote half of this in October, and then the rest in March, so it might read a bit messy. Enjoy (Title from Waking up in surburbia by Boniface).

It wasn't until Satan had landed on the hour of his friends untimely death that he remembered the contract.

**

"Shit". He swallowed around a gulp of hot scalding cup of tea.

Dan looked up at him in confusion, his friend wasn't usually so potty mouthed. In fact, Dan tended to be the one who effed this and effed that. No, Phil was an angel. Ironic, since he was actually Satan, the OverLord of literal Hell.

"Something wrong with the tea?". Dan worried. He always did, but it's definitely not something he should be doing over Satan. Or Phil, as Dan commonly referred to him as for no reason other than the fact he thought that was his name. His face shape screamed Phil.

"No, it's fine. Just remembered something". Your death, Phil thought in his head. He wasn't really remembering Dan's death, more like predicting it will happen an hour from now.

"I'm gonna have to start getting ready, I start work in just over an hour". Dan commented, despite his friends subdued expression.

"Cycling again?". Satan asks. Of course he already knows the answer, cyclists are often ignored by drivers on the roads.

"Yup".

"And you've got your helmet and protective gear?". Satan asked. Of course he already knows these items would both fail him in a 1 in 100,000 chance.

"Yup, like I always do". Dan smiled, amused as to why his friend was being so unusually protective.

"And the weather's going to be okay? Roads aren't slippy?" Satan asked one final time. Despite knowing what he already knew.

"I mean, it snowed yesterday but it seems to all be melting...". Dan murmured, cleaning up after their tea and cakes.

"Stay safe, Dan". Phil coughed, giving Dan a small hug from the back and opening the ground before Dan turned back around. Being swallowed whole by the floor gave him a lot to think about.

Like how he could possibly take his best friend's soul? He had to take it though. Dan signed that away when he wanted a friend.

**

It was an abnormally cold day in August and a sixteen year old Dan was crying himself to sleep for the third time that week. He strung a sentence together within his thoughts about why he was so lonely. "I'd do anything for a friend". It was almost like he was listening. That's because he was.

Newly appointed Phil, as the new Satan (taking over the role from his father), flew up there all by himself to get the poor boy to sign the contract. And once that was signed, that was the end. Phil would spend an hour or so of his day with the young human for the rest of Dan's life so when he died he had another soul to punish.

**

But of course Dan was different. It was five years later and him and Phil became actual friends.

It took Phil five minutes for him to find his devil handbook, once he had it in his hands he flicked to the pages about soul promising. "No, no, no, no. Jesus fucking Christ!". He shouted, his heart palpitating along with the thud the book made when it came crashing into the wall opposite his desk.

"Erm. Phi- Mr Satan". Phil's assistant walks in, giving him a glare.

"What's up, Louise?". Phil sighed, shutting his book.

"First, the noise. If you're having a tantrum, number 3 is always ready for you to take your anger out on-".

"Jack would like that, wouldn't he? He wants me to throw glasses of acid on him". Phil argued, after all hell was supposed to be the exact opposite of what they wanted. And apparently the Ripper's favourite thing was torture.

"We've got him watching the Bee movie anyway, bawling like a baby. The second thing is Dan's extraction is happening in ten minutes. He's just had the crash and he's now in hospital".

Phil slid a hand down his face. "I don't think I could face seeing him in pain, Louise".

"Well, he signed the contract. You looked it over. There's nothing you can do, you have to bring him down to Hell". She supplied helplessly.

"I know". He sighed. He sat down at his desk and pulled up Dan live feed on his Souls Encyclopedia. "Dan and Hell. It just doesn't fit. And the fact he has to join the gormless tortured souls. It's such a shame".

Louise had a thought. "Let me look at the contract for a quick sec". Phil summoned it from flames and handed it over still warm.

A few minutes of pages being flicked, Louise slid the paper back on Phil's desk.

"He definitely does have to come down here to Hell, there's no way he'd be able to get out of that. But-". She supplied, pointing at clause 32, section 7, "But he doesn't necessarily have to become a tortured soul".

Phil read over the clause Louise pointed out to him and he was a little confused. "What else can he do Louise? He can't wander around Hell for all eternity with nothing to do".

"Give him a job". Louise smiled, clutching her clipboard.

Phil let it stew for a moment, "Hmmm. No".

"Give yourself another assistant", Louise said, "It solves the problem".

Phil knew it did, but Louise had seen things, and most of those things she'd carried out. She was constantly beheading Henry the VIII's withered and terrible soul and setting fire to and/or drowning WitchFinder Generals. Innocent Dan couldn't do that. His day job was working in an office. He filed and electronically transferred information. He wasn't qualified and was just too... Dan. He couldn't even kill a spider that was giving him an anxiety attack everytime he walked into the kitchen for a month.

But Phil didn't have any time to make a decision. No time at all (not that it existed down there). Just as he was about to start arguing again with Louise, a small figure started appearing in his office and that's when he knew this was it. Dan had died and was coming to Hell and there was nothing he could do to stop this.

The ringing noise could be heard for miles and the poof of grey and red smoke could be seen and felt in the lungs. It was cloying, it hurt. This was normal for a soul-less human, except Dan didn't know that and also had no idea what was happening.

"What- what-", he coughed, no hacked. The smoke was affecting him more than it did the others. "Where am I? Phil?". Dan's eyes landed on a familiar face.

"You're in hell, Dan". Phil sighed. Dan took one more look around the scream filled dark void, before plunging to the ground and falling unconscious.

Phil and Louise grabbed Dan and carried his body (or not, technically he didn't have one of those anymore) over to Phil's personal suite. This would give him some time, not lots but enough to figure out a solution to this fucked up mess.

**

It was an hour later and Dan began to stir awake, Phil had made a fresh pot of tea and had printed Dan's new contract to sign. It was risky bringing it up straight after his death and extraction, but Phil didn't want to prolong this bad situation.

"Huh? Phil- oh, thank god. I had the weirdest dream...", Dan exhaled, before rubbing his eyes and looking around Phil's living room. "Phil, where am I?". Dan asked in a small voice, cradling his knees in a fetal position as he took in the room he was in.

"Dan, I'm so sorry. It wasn't a dream. You died in a bicycle accident this morning". Phil said, leaning forward and putting his hands on Dan's knees.

Dan started crying, "I - I died? Just like that? Oh god". He croakily managed to squeak out. "And I'm in hell too? Was I a bad person, Phil?".

Phil leant forward and pulled Dan in a bone crushing hug (if he had bones), and kissed his forehead. "Dan, you are not a bad person. Not at all, you're the best".

Dan hiccuped and attempted to calm down by slowing his breathing, "I don't understand". He swallowed, patting his eyes with a tissue Phil had made appear.

"Don't you remember?" Phil brought it up delicately, not many people ever took the whole soul taking business seriously until it came down to the wire.

Dan sniffled, clutching one of Phil's lounge pillows to his abdomen. "...No? Is it because I smoked one of Agatha's mates joints when I was 19, because it was only a couple puffs and peer pressure and it didn't even do anything to me-"

"You signed your soul away, Dan".

"Oh. I did. I remember, sort of". Dan replied, scratching his head.' Wasn't that a dream?' He thought in his head, 'is this a dream?'. He pinched himself lightly on the arm. Neither were, apparently.

"Yeah, the contract is designed to help you forget about that part. Makes it fuzzy in your head about how we met". Phil explained.

Dan nodded, he didn't quite understand it nor did he accept this. He wouldn't have been so stupid. He tried to think about how he met Phil. He was sure he was in his class or tutoring him or something, suddenly it became clear. The memory was a little fuzzy and always had been.

"You were crying, and you must have said something about being lonely and I guess you were already being monitored so I just went into your room and got you to sign the contract". Phil said, admitting this made him feel guilty. He knows it was a bit of a shit system. Preying on the lonely, the vulnerable.

"I remember, you just appeared. And we chatted. I liked it, I liked you. I like you". Dan whispered, looking up at Phil through his still damp eyes.

"It wasn't one sided, I like you too", Phil smiled, clutching onto Dan's hands.

"And now I've got to get tortured for all of time?". Dan asked, twisting the loose bit of skin around his wrists and wiping his face. Maybe he was trying to seem braver in front of Phil, but Phil had seen him at his weakest.

"Well. I decided you don't deserve that. I'm hiring you as my number two assistant! You should meet Louise, she's my other assistant, you'll take half her tasks".

Dan looked up at Phil, "I'm going to work for you? What do you do here?".

Phil bit his tongue and picked his nails, a nervous habit he might've picked up from Dan. He had time to think of something other than 'hey, I'm the freaking manager of this whole place', but he knew Dan would see straight through any excuse he had.

"I'm actually, well I suppose the humans call me Satan, Lucifer, the Devil...". Phil swallowed, awkwardly shining his teeth to Dan. Maybe his perfect pearly whites would soften the blow.

"Shit-Wait, seriously?". Dan asked, straightening his spine a little. He couldn't quite believe what he was hearing. His friend? His Phil.. was Satan?

Phil nodded. "So what do you say?".

Dan sighed, deciding he'd rather not have his body painfully rearranged for the rest of time, so he agreed, but what to he wasn't totally sure.


	2. Chapter Two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dan has a thing or two to learn about Hell.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel like this is the shittest writing ever, but I'm carrying on.

Instead of throwing Dan in the deep end by letting Louise take him around the blood chamber floor (which was the least gruesome floor despite the name), Phil let Dan have a few days rest. He made sure he was well fed in between their talks of what Phil wanted him to do in Hell, even if he didn't think Dan was quite ready to pull off someone's toes with his bare fingers. 

"Torture? I don't think I'd be able to do it..". Dan swallowed. He'd been given a book, a bit like a study guide, except this one was explaining different methods of torture. 

"These people are bad, Dan. We have all 800 members of the Eugenics Movement, and guess what their punishment is?". Phil said, quizzing Dan. Not that he really needed to know. It was all computerised now. 

"Errr... whipping? Eye gauging? ... Fire?". Dan guessed, wincing at the idea of any of them. 

Phil smiled at Dan, at least he tried. "All would work, we actually just chop their hands and feet off and put them in neat grinders 500 times". 

Dan nodded. How was he supposed to remember any of this? He didn't even want to, the blood and the gore and the bones. He could feel his stomach churning. 

"We have a girl down here, they call her vampire 23 because she drained her victim's blood and drank it, and she's our 23rd 'vampire'. What's her punishment?". 

Dan thought about it, long and hard, clutching his stomach to prevent him from vomiting. "Watching freshly spilt blood being turned into water?". 

"Trick question, we actually let her hellbound victims come up here and prick her skin over and over again". Phil exhaled, thinking about how his job is just so strange to humans, but he's never known any different. 

"Hellbound victims?". Dan asked, flicking through his book to see if he'd missed that part. 

Phil nodded, taking the book and deciding that was enough studying. "They're the victims who still did bad stuff". 

Dan sighed. It sounded like a complicated and unjust system. 

"How about... Oh, we have this guy who sold drugs to over 2000 teenagers and at least 10 died due to the drugs, he knew and still continued selling them to multiple other victims, what do we do to him?". 

"Set fire to him". Dan guessed, a shot in the dark. 

"Yeah! Amongst other things. It's quite a good system really Dan, even if you think these people don't quite deserve the punishments". Phil reassured Dan. 

"I don't know about this, Phil. It's just... not me". 

"I can find some others that'll help oversee your work. I have a charming green demon who deals with paperwork, he wouldn't mind the week off to oversee you". 

Dan swallowed, "Green demon?". 

"Well, he's more chartreuse. All demons get a colour". Phil explained, reaching over to grab the telephone on his desk. 

"Hi, yeah it's me". Phil gestured to his phone.   
"Good, you?"   
"Well, I've got another soul up here"   
"Yeah, it's Dan"   
"Great, I'll send him up with Louise".   
Phil put the phone down. 

"That was PJ, the green demon, he said he'll show you the ropes!". 

Phil walked out the room leaving Dan to think through what led him to be in this position. The only person he had to blame was Satan himself. 

**   
Louise took Dan down to PJ's office, letting herself in and dragging Dan all the way to his back office. 

"Peej!". Louise shouted at a plain wall, which started to wobble in front of Dan's very eyes, materialising a door which opened to reveal a tall, brown haired man. Who was certainly not green. 

"Dan, is it? Pleasure to meet you". He grabbed Dan's collar and told Louise to cone back in 'an hour or so, maybe a day'. 

In the office was a low table with two mugs filled with green tea. 

"Come, take a seat with me on the floor and we can talk about all this hell business". 

Dan nodded and sat cross legged on the floor, taking the tea and swirling it around his mouth. An acquired taste, but he didn't mind it. 

"So first of all, any dying questions? Pardon the phrasing of course". PJ asked, taking gulps of tea and letting the mug refill itself. 

"Why aren't you green?". 

PJ chuckled, "I figured that would be the first thing on your mind. I'm not green because I'm showing my old human self, my demon underlayer is green". 

"Was Phil a human?". 

PJ chuckled, "Phil comes from a long line of Head Demons" pausing to take a long slurp of his tea. "Technically he has a human mother, but the way demon DNA works... well, it's all a bit weird". 

Dan nodded, to which PJ took that as the green light to leap into his talk about demon life. 

**   
Two hours and twenty minutes later and Dan was all caught up. 

He even found out details about PJ, who let slip he had signed his soul away at 9 because he wanted more pokemon cards, something that, admittedly, bit him in the arse when he drank something dodgy in a nightclub at 27 and ended up in hell, it was Phil's father who decided to put him to work and he'd been in hell ever since. 

When Dan got back to Phil's office, feeling less conflicted and more confident, it wasn't long before Dan was put to work. 

Which is why he found himself surrounded by paper, folders and stamps in no time at all. Paperwork was something he was good at, after all he did it for a living when he was... living. But doing it for all eternity was not something he was looking forward to. At all.


	3. Chapter Three

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Phil promotes Dan, and attempts to train him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! I'm being very slow with updates because I deleted chapter 5 accidentally so I need to get to rewriting that chapter all while having 3 essays to finish off for university and the whole.. pandemic currently happening, it's just fucking mental right now. I just hope people are enjoying this.

A week later and Phil's dad, after catching wind about Dan, was visiting the management quarter, wanting to see if he was worth not being thrown into the lost souls. 

"He was pretty young when he signed my contract, 16 years old", Phil argued. 

"It's only your fifth year, Phil". 

"And?" 

"You can't just keep any soul you like. It doesn't work like that". Phil's father put his foot down. 

"Dad, I promise you. He's special. Just let him be my assistant". 

"And this is all this is?". Phil's father may be almost 200 years old, but he wasn't stupid. 

Phil sighed, "Dad-" 

"Phil, don't let one person ruin what you've done here. Especially a lost soul". 

"Mom was a lost soul". 

"Is this where you and this Dan are heading then? Heed my warnings, son. Your mother was special, Daniel Howell is our most lost soul yet". Phil's father left the room, disappearing in a puff of red, dark smoke. 

Through the smoke Phil could see Dan, in the office Phil had Dan moved into for no other reason than to see him file paper, tap away on his laptop and chew on pencils (a mindless activity Dan would never admit to doing). 

Dan typed away, curling a little piece of his hair and yawning. 

Phil knew Dan didn't like paperwork, he'd spent years doing this exact job alive, and now he would have to do it for all eternity unless Phil did something. 

He needed to get him another job. Not listening to what his father said at all, Phil moved Louise to his secondary assistant, and Dan to his first assistant. 

He doesn't know how demons of torture will be expected to now answer to a self-conscious and depressed lost soul but he's already expecting some revolt from them. 

** 

The movement in offices between Louise and Dan had caused a scene, how could Phil demote his loyal assistant of five years for the boy who's soul was supposed to be tortured down here with the rest? 

Phil didn't provide answers, mostly because he couldn't understand it himself. 

The reshuffling had meant Dan had to do some torturing, before being able to complete quality control forms of the other demons torturing. 

And so Phil had Dan start torturing the lowest level of souls he kept. Petty criminals and the sort. 

"Turn the temperature all the way down in A39's room, turn the temperature all the way up in A68's room and use the feather machine to tickle A24's feet. Got it?"

Dan nodded, making his way through the chamber to find the the codes. Not knowing how the room was set out, he paid careful attention to the codes on each of the rooms and found they decreased. 

Up in A68, down in A39. Or was it the other way round?

Feeling conflicted, Dan followed his gut and turned the temperature all the way up to 220 celsius in A68 and then moved over to A39 and turned it all the way down to minus 40 Celsius. 

Not wanting to see the results of rapidly changing the temperature, Dan stepped to the side to find A24. He took his thick and long feathers and started tickling manually, setting them up in a machine to tickle this souls feet more efficiently.

When it was done he ran out the chamber, and bumped into Phil. "You're done?". 

"Yup, yes. Easy". 

Phil entered the chamber to see if Dan had followed instruction and it seemed he had. 

Pleased with Dan, he started to walk out (but not before giving A96 and A97 two slaps each on the side of their heads).

"You've done well today, Dan". Phil smiled, "an hour break and then we'll talk a bit more about torturing". 

Dan sighed. 

This lifestyle was tiring.


End file.
